He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
