I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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