I wish my penis had an off switch
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
