im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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