I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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