We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
