The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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