I just pynch a tree in the face
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
