If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
