i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
