After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
