Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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