i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
