what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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