talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod