remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
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Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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