I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I am midnight drunk by noon
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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