What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
