Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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