Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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