I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
