im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
