You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
