It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
