Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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