I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
