i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
