I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
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I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
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But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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