ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
