I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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