Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
