I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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