paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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