A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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