What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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