You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
