You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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