When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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