Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize