areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
