I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
