I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
