I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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