The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
