a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize