ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
