so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
