Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
