I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
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I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
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He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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