I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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