No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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