theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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