Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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