Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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